Cloudy skies but no rain. An empty room. That is, empty except for me. And my laptop. And my cell phone. And my knitting bag. But empty nevertheless. No visitors today, but that’s okay. It’s quiet and I don’t feel like being sociable today. Not sure what I feel like, but it’s rather like the view from my window. Cars wandering around like ants as if they don’t know where they’re going or why. That’s me. I don’t know where I’m going or why or when.
Waiting . . . learning to be patient? I don’t think so. Learning to accept. Learning to accept that I have no control over this situation and am at the mercy of this disease and medical science to determine my future. Time hangs heavy in this empty room. I wander in my mind like the cars I’m watching, with no sense of direction.
Wandering. Wondering. If I do beat this, what then? Where do I go from here? Will I continue to be like those cars? No. Not like that. There has to be a purpose for my life if it is continued. Direction. Meaning.
Lord, hear my prayer . . . If ever I needed you, I need you now. Help me to hold tight as you carry me through this difficult time. Help me to not forget that YOU are in control and YOU do have a plan and a purpose for my life. I believe – help me in my unbelief.